Exactly three years ago, on August 21st, 2013 I found out that I was pregnant. Almost two weeks after my embryo transfer. I remember waking up early that morning. A feverish feeling and an urge not to “cave in” for all the thoughts buzzing in my head. I had an appointment at our fertility clinic early that morning. To go and give a blood sample. My blood would then be sent away to a lab where the hCG levels were to be analyzed and then a nurse would call me. To let me know if we had succeeded or not. Oh yes, I knew the drill. I had done it before. More than once. More than twice. More then XXth times. But this time was the first time after an IVF. And I remember that felt different. As if more was at stake.
I walked over to the clinic. Luckily for me it was only a few blocks away from where we lived. I sat down. First in the waiting area and then in the small booth where the nurse asked me to roll up my sleeve and shortly after that I could watch my blood, dark red filling up the tube. On my way to work later I focused so hard on numbing myself. Actively trying to block all my thoughts. All my feelings. All my hope. Block. Block. Block.
With my memories from the previous attempt still fresh in my mind, in my heart. The call. The nurse. Her voice telling me that yes, I was pregnant. However, my hCG levels were not that great so we had to wait and see if the “Happy-Hormone“, the “Preggo-Hormone“, the “YES-Hormone” was going to increase or not. I remember her voice. Stable. Neutral but warm. Trying to keep my hopes up but without reassuring me anything. After we hung up I just sat there starring straight into my desktop screen. I remember wondering if people with such jobs do attend certain trainings in order to make their voices sound like that? Warmly neutral. With a thin slice of hope, yet a sharp edge of “prepare-yourself-for-the-worst“. I remember calling my husband. Letting him know that right there and then I was actually pregnant, but that there was this sharp edge in her voice and well the “Happy-Preggo-YES-Hormone” seemed to be all but convincing.
And later the sharp edge won the battle over the thin-sliced hope. My “Happy-Preggo-YES-Hormone” gave up. Together with my “never-to-be-baby“.
But now, this time it was all new again. Even though the emotional road that had been leading up to this moment had been very much the same. Once again I sat in front of my desktop at work when my cell phone started to vibrate aggressively. I remember answering it. Pressing the green little circle on the screen. Lifting it to my ear. Hearing nothing but my own pulse. Fast fast. Then her voice again. This time with a slightly different tone. Her words. It looks very good. Congratulations. At this moment it could not look better. But you still have to come in later to give another blood sample so that we can follow up and confirm that your hCG is increasing. This is just routine though, so no need to worry. It all looks very good. Not at all like last time. Congratulations.
My numbness. Still heavy. But soon giving away for a feeling I still can not explain. Relief. Happiness. Worry. Already?! (what if it all goes wrong….?!?!?) Doubt. And more happiness. I remember calling my husband. I am pregnant. It worked. It looks good. Oh my God. I can not believe it. I am pregnant.
Three years ago. Today.
Pictures from: http://www.iconarchive.com/tag/phone and www.success.com/article/can-money-really-buy-happiness