For quite some time I have been thinking of creating a website and a blog where I collect information about what is going on out there in the world of Reproductive Medicine as well as thoughts and reflections about infertility and infertility treatments. Why? Because to me infertility or rather how you try to win the fight against your bad odds, is one of the most complex and difficult things you can experience. Both physically but maybe even more mentally.
Infertility is not only just a physical state, a type of disease that you try to treat or something your desperately want your body to overcome. No, in addition infertility means that while you and your body are dealing with treatments of different kinds like hormones that may change your personality or the more invasive procedures, you will in parallell develop a fear for the outcome. Or rather the lack of outcome. You will picture the future. Even when you try not to picture it. But you can’t help it. The pictures will pop up in your head. Inevitably. The colors of your pictures will differ from bright light yellow to pitch black. All depending on where you are in your cycle, how many negative results you have already experienced and how negative the bad experiences really were. How well or how bad you will respond to these pictures will depend on the support from people around you. Your spouse. Your friends. Family. Maybe even colleagues.
You will know that no matter how hard you try, how much you stretch both your body and your finances as well as your relationship to your partner-in-crime, there will be no guarantees. All you want is to have a baby. To become a parent. But you will not know if your dreams will ever come true. And that is what makes infertility such a cruel companion.
I have experienced how your dreams and hopes of becoming a parent can almost take over your life. Your thoughts and your body. You scrutinize every little sign your body might signal to you. And you analyze. Then you try not to think about it. At least not for five minutes. But then you give up. And you start all over again. While at the same time trying to fight off all those dark pictures of your future self not becoming a parent. I know how hard it is trying to find answers to a thousand questions when you at the same time struggle to keep your nose above the water.
As a scientist with a background in genetics, reproductive medicine, developmental biology and oncology, and as a person who desperately tried to conceive a baby and start a family with my husband, I realize that my personal experience have definitely shaped me. Made me to the person I am today. With a passionate interest in understanding fertility and infertility. Biologically. Clinically. The Whys and Hows. I want to communicate this knowledge, in the hope it may help at least some of you who are making the same journey as I once did. You who dream of great eggs and competent sperm. You who desperately wish to become a parent. For you. This website and blog is for you. Dreams, Eggs and Sperm. When all you want is a baby.